Angry Birds

Birds are returning to Chicagoland's frozen tundra. I can hear their songs of joy in the morning, after months of polar vortex silence, and my exact thoughts about hearing them have been "I hear you singing but I'm not sure what you're happy about. There's nothing for you to eat here. P.S. don't peck my eyes out".

I should mention upfront, I'm afraid of birds. I pretty much always was, but then I watched The Birds a million times and that sealed the deal.

I should also mention that my Dad is the crazy bird guy that makes special meals for certain birds and has a garage filled with bins of specific bird food. I think the orioles get grape jelly and someone gets mealworms. I know this because they are sitting next to the potato chips on his kitchen counter.

So I called him up and said "hey, the birds are here. Are they like, starving or what?" because there is nothing for birds to eat, anywhere, unless they figure out a White Castle drive through. My Dad basically eluded to the fact that he is personally feeding all of Chicagoland's birds. So I went to the store and bought a 10 pound bag of bird seed so that I can relieve the immense pressure a metropolitan area's bird population can put on one's Dad and also... as an offering. Don't peck my eyes out.

I don't have much in the way of bird feeders so I filled an ancient one I had in the garage and filled a tray with surplus chow. I don't mind if squirrels eat it, they have had a rough winter, too. I base this on the HUGE piles of osage orange refuse at the base of most trees in my yard- not their favorite meal but in desperation.

I hope it's enough to keep them from pecking my eyes out.