Real Yard Porn

DISCLAIMER: It may be best you don't read this. Especially if you're my Dad. No one here has done anything wrong or creepy, it's just a funny thing that happened. Just another one of those things that could ONLY happen to me.

I'm pretty much the only person that thinks the word "porn" should be restricted to, ya know, PORN. I don't know if yard porn, or food porn is a good thing or not. It's not that I'm lacking in a sense of humor about things, NATURALLY, but... I dunno. It seems like an overused, not-that-thought-out choice of words.

Until you actually find some porn in your yard, because then you get to say YARD PORN, YARD PORN, YARD PORN! And it's truer than a song from Buddy Holly, yo.

I was picking up the house one day and I found several yellow notebook sheets, folded up together on the kitchen table. I unfurled them and read 3 sentences, picked my jaw up off the ground and emailed my husband at work.
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To: husband
From:me
Subject: porn

Um, is this your poorly written porn on the kitchen table?
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To:me
From:husband
Subject: porn

What porn?
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From:me
To:husband
Subject:porn

Only you could be like "what porn?"
I found several pages of handwritten porn on the table. I didn't put it there. Did the effing porn fairy come in the night and gift us this badly written, no plot porn story on our effing kitchen table??
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To:me
From:husband
Subject: porn

Oh, that porn. I didn't know what it was. I found it in the front yard so I just brought it in and put it on the table. I didn't read it.
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So, with a smirk on my face I sat myself down and read the whole thing. And it's so bad that it's funny, but geeeez. Someone took this seriously.

And who the heck walks around with 5 pages of handwritten porn in this neighborhood? We don't even have sidewalks. We're in the middle of nowhere!

When Dan came home, we talked about which neighbors it could be. We joked about the circumstances that led it to our front yard. I mean, who hand writes anything any more? Who just has this in their pocket to accidentally drop in my yard? Who staples their hand written porn??

For a short time, visitors to our house got dramatic readings of the porn, by Dan, in the voice of Garrison Keilor or Plex the Robot from Yo Gabba Gabba. Those are the funny voices Dan has on tap.
I now present to you, a single page from my yard porn:
(seriously NSFW or anyone under, um, 35)